so like cole told you i was most definitely in a car accident. well hit by a car. and it hurt. a lot. it was the worst pain i have ever felt in my life for the time i was concious in the hospital. it felt as if pins has been dug into my skin and i really cant explain it. i just hope none of you ever experience it and for those who have, you know what the feeling of breaking a bone(s). so i broke my left arm n leg, ribs collapsed cuz of the fall and some broken fingers. not to mention bruises and scrapes and cuts. black and blues all over. im in a wheelchair for now but should be in on crutches sometime soon. rehab is gonna b a bummer :( its gonna suck so much omg i dont wanna do it at all when the casts come off. ugh.
so the story behind it and i really wouldnt know because i have no memory of it, but eye witnesses do, is that this impala was driving about 10 miles over the speed limit and as i was running across the street it clipped me. i supposedly went flying and fell akwardly on my arm and chest. bumped my head HARD and i was still concious but the soon after past out. some guy (thank God) called the ambulance and the rushed over to get me. went to the hospital and yea you guys know the rest from there. so now to the part thats been freaking me out for awhile.
ok so i was in the hospital and for the most part, slept. but the dreams i had were so weird and vivid yet abstract and unreal. one was me just sittin on this patch of grass on a street (in Chicago) and cars passing and me coming close to getting hit by the cars but then they would just go through me. it was weird. then i had another one were i was in my bed and it was dark and rainy. i never saw it fully but this monster was under my bed. i ws trying to scream but nothing was coming out. its shadow from under my bed was slowly getting bigger but i couldnt move and couldnt scream to my parents. the horror i felt and the fear was so strange but so real. since then i have my brother check my bed. im just a wimp :P this dreams will always b embedded into my head and i cant seem to get them out no matter what i dream. idk what it is. do any of you?
that wasnt the weird thing though guys. whats been on my mind since the accident is that i no longer have feelings for guys. something during the fall caused some imbalance or something to cause me to go back to being straight. or maybe its just gonna be for a little bit and then i'll go back to being bi. idk what it is and its really scaring me actually. i dont know whats wrong and to what extint my brain is messed up. i just hope its nothing because i dont want to add to anything that i already have. or maybe its cured or it was never there. im making no sense right now. i havent really been making much sense lately at home n when my friends come over. i have to really think and reread what i type when i write emails (not to mention its hard to write with 1 hand) but for this it would take to much time to type and then edit it. sorry for the inconvience guys i just want to type this and let u guys know whats happening. so yea i dont know whats wrong with my head, and its annoying and scary. im still going to the doctor so maybe hell clear up some things.
my next post will be the conclusion...
i will wrap up everything thats going on and just let you guys know about the rest of everything. im so sorry to b leaving but i kinda dont think you guys would like to read boring posts that make no sense.
o and i quick thing. WHY THE HECK IS EVERYONE LEAVING BLOGLAND? i leave for about a week and i come back to see two of my favorite bloggers leaving! (aj and k). well i guess we have old bloggers coming back too which is good. i wanna give AJ and K a shoutout because they had 2 of the most intersting blogs out there. it was fun reading what eachother had to say about eachother (during the good times) and sad to read how it was ending. you really felt as though you connected with them. i feel bad for both of them and what they went through during the time they had together. it was something i know i lot of us wanted to have and few of us have ever felt. but what they are doing is smart and we have to respect it. i just hope they are ok. well i hope k's ok. aj is doing fine and im glad he is doing well at his sis' house. ok that wasnt quick.
the next post will be EXTREMELY long. i mean probly the longest post you guys have ever read... not even joking. its gonna b filled with a lot so be prepared. i love all you guys who read me and its nice to have such great OL friends. you guys r the best! be prepared for the next one. till then its a tipped hat a bow. you guys r amazing and i love you all.... pyce
-RJ-
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15 comments:
focus on getting better physically and then try to fix everything else. It'll wear you out fast if you try to fix everything at once, i know from experience lol i was pinned by a car and had to deal with my diabetes on top of that. You'll get through it, just focus on getting better before anything else. Stay well RJ ! lataz
I am sorry for your nightmares, I hate ones where you cant move or say anything, so scary. I feel really bad for you :(. I am always here if you wanna talk
AJ
Your hospital stay was mercifully short. I was in a car wreck that kept me in the hospital for 3.5 months with a fractured skull and a shattered spine. The dreams are just manifestations of the psychic trauma of finding yourself helpless and coming face to face with your mortality. (The pain was the worst I've ever experienced, but that was secondary.) What's really creepy is being hooked up to those winking and beeping machines, hearing the moaning and wailing of other patients and their families, and submitting to the attendants who have to wash you, especially when you go to the bathroom in your bed. (I called them corpse washers.) And of course, you realize this is what happens to you when you get old and kick off for sure. So of course you have bad dreams.
And afterwards you have to deal with casts. Annoying at best, they are hell in hot weather, they develop a yeasty stink, and they itch all the time where you cannot scratch. Take a word of advice and get yourself a straightened coathanger. You can work it down into the cast and scratch the itches.
Have I grossed you out enough? Remember this: In a couple of months you'll be running and jumping as good as before same as me, and, if your lawyer can convince everyone that you didn't contribute to the collision, you might get some bucks to tuck away for your education, or a good vacation.
Oh, and about the sex thing, you don't get cured of having one sexual thought or another, even as a result of a wreck. They're hardwired in you. At your age sexual preferences bounce around like pinballs, and you'd probably screw a keyhole if you thought you could fit it in and get off on it. Teenagers are like pansexual bonobos, but they suppress their urges because of societal pressures. Tell us how you feel once you're out of your wheelchair.
I cannot even imagine the pain you have been through and the challenges you face ahead. I wish you well and strong courage for the future. I know you come out of this stronger.
As far as weird dreams, loopy thoughts, not being attracted to guys, etc. I would imagine that you are on loads of meds right now, not to mention that you experienced a massive trauma. I wouldn't worry too much about any of that right now, and I certainly wouldn't put a lot of stock into creating elaborate theories or anything.
Good luck and I cant wait until the next post! I hope that you plan to return one day to let us know how well everything turned out!
Much Love,
Steve
RJ,
I'm new your your blog, and I came over to support and pray for you.
As J said, I would not put too much into the dreams. They're definitely due to the trauma that you have gone through (plus the pain meds can twist things too).
Anyway, take care and get well! We'll still be here when you decide to come back and tell us how well you're doing.
Mike
Ryan, as for the dreams, I guess you work the accident and it´s impact on you subsequently thru. Typing w/one hanh? I do it always*lol* It´s fine to read that you´re doing better, I broke a couple of ribs myself once and I know first hand how it hurts. Stay strong, buddy. Propz Pilgrim
J, in particular, says some good stuff there.
As well as huge shock to your bod, your brain will know you could have been killed. It's coping with that, with the trauma and, probs, with the effect of drugs which can often make you delirious to a degree.
It's right again that sexual preferences will not be changed by this sort of stuff - or anything, save for your own needs and wishes.
You must always do what you feel it right about sex and relationships.
Take it one day at a time and you'll soon be on your feet again and feel a million times better for that.
RJ, — It's good of you to post this for us. You say it doesn't make sense, but it does. Maybe it isn't the most polished post there ever was, but it tells us what's going on.
I hope you appreciate the irony of your asking, " WHY THE HECK IS EVERYONE LEAVING BLOGLAND?" in the middle of a post titled "So Long part 2." Maybe you can reconsider?
The dreams are your unconscious mind reliving and working through what happened to you. They are pretty fresh in your memory right now, but if you don't make an effort to keep recalling them, they will gradually fade away, like most memories.
On orientation, all you can do is see what happens as you move forward. Maybe a concussion could affect your sex drive. See how you feel when you're fully recovered.
And even though rehab can be a pain, it's worth it, I think. So hang in there and do everything you can to have a complete recovery. I'm praying for you.
I'm looking forward to your next post. I'll be sorry if it really is your last, because I was hoping to get to know you a bit through your blog and maybe offer you some ideas and suggestions from time to time. But of course you need to do what is best for you. And I wish you all the best.
I hope and pray you have a speedy recovery.
*Hugs*
wow..was it a hit nd run? i'm so sorry this happened to u. I wish u the best..email is on its wy..mike
I've never heard of sexual orientation being "fixed" by a blow to the head. Hmmm. If it were THAT easy, I'm sure I'd have grabbed a hammer long ago. :-P
Very curious.
As for the rest, it's understandable that you would be experiencing a few "cognitive difficulties." You took a nasty blow to the head. I'm sure it will clear up in time.
Rest up. You've got a lot of healing to do.
The brain is really very tough and does a good job of fixing itself.
Maybe in a while you can see a counselor just to deal with the physical trauma itself. And if you like the counselor, you can get into the bi/gay issues. You can trust them.
steevo
Damn :(
Well first off, thank goodness you are ok, generally.
The dreams sound intense, were you on morphine? Or whatever pain meds, definitely could play a part. Plus yeah, the emotional stress would be a huge factor in that. I would hope that the dreams will fade over time, they usually do.
I assume they gave you physical exams (CT scan or MRI) to make sure everything was physically ok?
You did have a traumatic experience, in the pure sense of the word, and it will take time not only physically but mentally, to recuperate.
As for the switch off being bi - that definitely is odd too. Not sure there - but I guess I would say not to get too worried about it - you'll sort yourself out on that point when you are ready.
I'm sorry to hear that you will be leaving us, I guess we'll have to wait for the full explanation in your next/last post. But I hope its got nothing to do with anyone else here in BlogLand, that its just something that you feel is the right thing to do, but please consider it carefully.
Whether your bump on the noggin turned you str8 again, or not, LOL - people here still care for you and I'm sure we'd all like for you to stick around.
*hugs*
RJ, i gather we won't be getting a 3rd post now.
i just wanted to join the others in wishing you a speedy recovery back to your former full health. i feel confident that your dreams/brain issues will subside in time.
it would be good to see you posting again, but either way i wish you a long, healthy and happy life.
torchy!
If you're not disappearing for good, could we trouble you for an update? Is the recovery on track?
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