A Cry for Help

I am officially coming back to blogland. I know it's been about 2 years since I actually have been on but there's a lot of stuff I need to get off my chest and what better way than on here. I've lost tons of followers which is ok but for the ones that are still following can you at least spread it to some people because I'm in serious need right now and don't know what to do. I'm had a crappy day because of something (I'll explain later) and need some help. the gist of it all is that I think I might be a pedophile. I know how taboo that is but it's not like I wanna have these feelings I just wanna see if there's anyone on here, 1 person will do, that I can vulnerabley talk to about this. this is the best place for someone like this, right? and if I'm chastised on here than I don't know where else to go. so I'm making a plea that anyone wants or thinks they can help me, please do. I need it greatly and appreciate any help possible. I already feel that I'm becoming some freak so please no negative comments. thanks

Just-A-Fixation (Justification)

I climb up Jacob's ladder and open up Pandora's box

I fall down the ladder and "click" goes the locks

Out comes the pain,

and the smiles drop.

Nerves shock the body,

FREEZE,

I stop in shame.

Breath, justify, conclude, and blame.

And the itzy bitzy spider went up the spout again.

"I am fixated on the past only reminscing of what was once was now is now. The past has caught up from behind me to watch as a run the race of life. To my oblige, i have support... a roaring lion and a ferocious dragon. "They" say history repeats itself. well in this case im history... and im history. call out to the lost for they will not be found but only by the hand of you. It is up to you now. goodbye and so long, so long as you say goodbye to me."

-Anonymous

Why is my past coming back to me? Why do I cause conflict? Why do i create slugs from doves?Because I am destructive. I am the attacker. I am the serpent. I am the single light in a sea of darkness. I am attractive. I could be back... but who knows? only the future

So Long part 2

ok so this part will be mostly of the accident and what happened and all that good stuff :/

so like cole told you i was most definitely in a car accident. well hit by a car. and it hurt. a lot. it was the worst pain i have ever felt in my life for the time i was concious in the hospital. it felt as if pins has been dug into my skin and i really cant explain it. i just hope none of you ever experience it and for those who have, you know what the feeling of breaking a bone(s). so i broke my left arm n leg, ribs collapsed cuz of the fall and some broken fingers. not to mention bruises and scrapes and cuts. black and blues all over. im in a wheelchair for now but should be in on crutches sometime soon. rehab is gonna b a bummer :( its gonna suck so much omg i dont wanna do it at all when the casts come off. ugh. 

so the story behind it and i really wouldnt know because i have no memory of it, but eye witnesses do, is that this impala was driving about 10 miles over the speed limit and as i was running across the street it clipped me. i supposedly went flying and fell akwardly on my arm and chest. bumped my head HARD and i was still concious but the soon after past out. some guy (thank God) called the ambulance and the rushed over to get me. went to the hospital and yea you guys know the rest from there. so now to the part thats been freaking me out for awhile. 

ok so i was in the hospital and for the most part, slept. but the dreams i had were so weird and vivid yet abstract and unreal. one was me just sittin on this patch of grass on a street (in Chicago) and cars passing and me coming close to  getting hit by the cars but then they would just go through me. it was weird. then i had another one were i was in my bed and it was dark and rainy. i never saw it fully but this monster was under my bed. i ws trying to scream but nothing was coming out. its shadow from under my bed was slowly getting bigger but i couldnt move and couldnt scream to my parents. the horror i felt and the fear was so strange but so real. since then i have my brother check my bed. im just a wimp :P this dreams will always b embedded into my head and i cant seem to get them out no matter what i dream. idk what it is. do any of you? 

that wasnt the weird thing though guys. whats been on my mind since the accident is that i no longer have feelings for guys. something during the fall caused some imbalance or something to cause me to go back to being straight. or maybe its just gonna be for a little bit and then i'll go back to being bi. idk what it is and its really scaring me actually. i dont know whats wrong and to what extint my brain is messed up. i just hope its nothing because i dont want to add to anything that i already have. or maybe its cured or it was never there. im making no sense right now. i havent really been making much sense lately at home n when my friends come over. i have to really think and reread what i type when i write emails (not to mention its hard to write with 1 hand) but for this it would take to much time to type and then edit it. sorry for the inconvience guys i just want to type this and let u guys know whats happening. so yea i dont know whats wrong with my head, and its annoying and scary. im still going to the doctor so maybe hell clear up some things. 

my next post will be the conclusion...

i will wrap up everything thats going on and just let you guys know about the rest of  everything. im so sorry to b leaving but i kinda dont think you guys would like to read boring posts that make no sense. 

o and i quick thing. WHY THE HECK IS EVERYONE LEAVING BLOGLAND? i leave for about a week and i come back to see two of my favorite bloggers leaving! (aj and k). well i guess we have old bloggers coming back too which is good. i wanna give AJ and K a shoutout because they had 2 of the most intersting blogs out there. it was fun reading what eachother had to say about eachother (during the good times) and sad to read how it was ending. you really felt as though you connected with them.  i feel bad for both of them and what they went through during the time they had together. it was something i know i lot of us wanted to have and few of us have ever felt. but what they are doing is smart and we have to respect it. i just hope they are ok. well i hope k's ok. aj is doing fine and im glad he is doing well at his sis' house. ok that wasnt quick. 

the next post will be EXTREMELY long. i mean probly the longest post you guys have ever read... not even joking. its gonna b filled with a lot so be prepared. i love all you guys who read me and its nice to have such great OL friends. you guys r the best! be prepared for the next one.  till then its a tipped hat a bow. you guys r amazing and i love you all.... pyce

-RJ-

So Long part 1

ok well this post will b short but i have to quickly say that i will not be able to post anymore... or for a while. in the next 2 posts i will explain what happened to me and why i cant do this anymore. please do not get worried. the blogworld has drastically changed since i came back but im sorry to reinforce the saying of 'bye'. its however a neccessity. i will post what needs to b said at a later time when its convenient, but till then it is a farwell. 

sorry

RJ

First Breath After a Coma

Yup the title to my post is once again the  name of a song by Explosions in the Sky. A ridiculously amazing band who is underrated and almost underground but by far the best intstrumental band of all time. I strongly suggest that all who read this go and listen to them. I would consult with Steve or Planetx_123 first to see if the good songs but here is a selection of my favorite songs by them. They play long songs but this adds to the feeling or the mood that it brings to you when you read it.  ok so here they are:

1. Time Stops

2. The Birth and Death of a Day

3. So Long, Lonesome

4. Yasmin the Light

5. Remeber Me as a Time of Day

6. 6 Days at the Bottom of the Ocean.... and last but not least (kinda is though (for the best though)lol)

7. First Breath After Coma

ok so check those songs out and comment back on which is your favorite. a good site thats free and has every song pretty much ever made is imeem.com. 

ok so about life now. i havent really been doing much which is a good indicator as to why i havent posted much. schools is of course school so you guys know how fun that is lol actually i enjoy school most of the times but this time of year when finals are hovering over, it gets tiring and intense. ok quick story that happend today:

I was sleeping in 2nd period because we were watching this REALLY boring movie about the Mayan religion called EL Popo Vuh or something like that (not 'hating' on the religion just the movie) and I didnt sleep til about 11:30 or 12 nd about 4 the previous night so i was ti-erd. ok so im half asleep, you know that feeling you get when youre asleep but you can sense the things around you and they kinda enter into your dreams and the slightest thing can wake you up, well yea thats how i was and guess what woke me up. a tennis ball to the face. my teacher had supposedly grabbed a tennis ball from his desk and spear-chucked it at me and it clocked me right in the temple. yea next thing that happened is me waking up and then 10 seconds later the bell rang. 5 other kids were sleeping too. way to be a fair teacher Mr. L lol

well tonight I went to a varsity dinner for my school and it was PACKED. I had tickets 132-135 and my friend was 190 so there was probably over 200 people stuffed in this little dining hall. it was fun though. we were joking the whole time and got called out by the district sports guy. who knew tennis was such a rowdy sport. i felt bad so i stayed quite for a majority of the night (it was hard though). anyway it was a pretty normal night except for the fact that i unexpectdly got the MVP for the team. i mean im the #1 singles but still i really didnt think id get it. the team was like "yea just start walking up for the trophy" and then id say "hold on guys you never know", but it was me so it was a happy night. my parents were very proud of me too but then my dad started talking about leadership and stepping up my game so I kinda didnt want to listen even though i did. he has good points but i just wanted to talk with my friends lol o yea also one of the guys on the team who is pretty cute sat next to me and throughout the whole night is like playing with me and im like wtf? like he was using me as a backrest and using my knee for his elbow to rest on and im just thinking, ok... i begin to brush him off and then he puts his arm around me as a joke and bean-dips me and then slaps my thigh but he was sooooo close to hitting my doodle. he knew it too and had this weird look on his face. i then have my hand on the pamphlet and he and puts his right on top pf mine and says "look were holding hands" so i say "not really" and then he grabs my hand and we hold hads for like 2 seconds till i pull away. he has a girlfriend for pete's sake. so that was a little weird just cuz all these straight (or so i think so) guys are doing things to me. I mean of course i like guys but idk theres just things going on that make it odd for me or for other guys  to be touching. 

anyway so for the name of my post to go into effect. i was really down for a while and in a very 'coma'  like state but lately i have been feeling great, dreaming again, and just loving life. yes the things in my life have been going on but by talking to people and really voicing how i feel,i have made major progress. im on cloud 9 right now and i want to thank all for listening to how i feel and what im going through and of course giving help back- so thanks. well the winner for the closer is the following... c ya later, pyce love and hugs.